Helen

  To the blog, I hope (Judith Steele)

 

I did not know Helen as well as many others did. But during 2008 I was lucky to spend time with Helen and Kaye, in triangular poetry discussions, and work on our own writng. Helen was working on "So Many Versions of a Life" at the time . I think she was unwell for some of  that year, but did not discuss how she felt, and I left Darwin at the end of that year. I was shocked in 2009, to hear she had cancer.  I loved Hugh Crago's poem 20/10/09 about Helen being  fiercely caring, fiercely intelligent. Whatever other words I use---integrity, kindness, humour, sharp but compassionate perceptiveness – they are summed up by those phrases.

I saw her again only for a few days in Melbourne in December 2010. I feel as if I have had more contact with her than that, because of Natasha's blog, all the news and photos.  Thankyou Natasha. Thankyou Natasha and Louis for keeping Helen in contact with everyone.

Rereading a letter Helen sent me 7/4/09, I see that the theme of fierceness recurs, although it is as part of a discussion and quote from a poem by Elaine Feinstein I had copied out for her. (Book lost by me in shifting, but it was about putting one's creative life first, entitled Muse).  Helen talks of not doing the things she likes until she can show proper progress  in the area of duty, thus foregoing the " strengthening"of her "fierce and obstinate centre" which could have "defended" her. (words in italics quoted by Helen from the poem).

Well, I am glad there were many times when she allowed her Muse to speak, often fiercely. Helen, for me you are first and foremost a poet, and if I were to contribute any words to your coffin, they would be HELEN the POET. (But I think this will already be all over your coffin) .

Love and thanks from Judith S.

IN THE TRADE

Jars of acid and

exfoliating cream

tools of the poet

(p 66, Helen Pavlin, Collected Poems,, 1993)

 

 

tribute

Dear Natasha, Louis and Helen

I am thinking of you now as the time of parting draws near. Reflecting too on the past - back to Brisbane and my social work training at Queensland University in the late 1960's where I first met Frank and Helen. Frank I knew as my tutor, Helen I knew less well. However there was one important and lovely way in which Helen touched on my life then which I would like to share.

A few of us social work graduates decided to get a job working in Melbourne and we were looking for accommodation. Somewhere in the background Helen's voice emerged, suggesting that her uncle Arthur Turner might have a house to rent. And so it happened. Three of us young women, tottering on the brink of adulthood, the world at our trembling with excitement, omnipotent feet  took up residence in a solid, comfortable house in trendy north Carlton owned by her benevolent, beaming uncle Arthur. That house was a focus and it provided us with a containing structure through the pain and magic of growing up over the following three years, where enduring friendships were also formed.  That was a special experience in my life and Helen contributed to it. She showed herself a generous and sensitive person.

Thank you, Helen.

MB

Tuesday 25th October 2011

Yesyerday Dr A phoned me from Darwin to let me know that Helen is deteriorating again. Apparently she has been even more sleepy, is drinking less and eating less and seems likely to have another urinary tract infection which is not going to be treated this time. Louis is still in Darwin although he will leave tomorrow to come down to Natimuk for my 40th birthday party. Dr A (or course) can't give me any kind of timeline for Helen's death and it is possible she will still be alive when I return on the 14th but it is also possible she may die before either Louis or I can be there again. I have accepted this already (and in fact there's many times when each of us thought she might not be there when we returned from somewhere or other) however it does feel odd and frivolous to be so resolutely absent at the end having been so resolutely present for much of the last two years. Should she happen to die really soon we will at least have a bit of a gathering of our blood family already assembled in Natimuk. The plan to defer our funeral in Darwin until at least late November will stand. Whenever she dies it will be both sad and...OK....and as one of my friend said to me last night "If there's one thing I know about your mother it's that she has impeccable timing" so no doubt it will be a well chosen moment.

A beautiful farewell letter

Dear Helen, As I write a farewell letter to you, I am re-visiting my memories of over fifty years ago, starting our University journey together in Melbourne, when we were students at University Women’s College. You were my first adult woman friend, and for a few years you were a powerful and positive influence in so many ways. We are both now over seventy, but some of those influences are alive and well today, even though I have not seen you for twenty years, and before that a gap of another twenty or so. My memory is getting patchy these days, and only reflects my truth- I think I have long given up on absolute truth. Here are some of the fragments which are still precious to me: · introducing me to Rilke’s poetry, and later your own · sharing flowers from Mooroolbark · long evening discussions about all those big life questions- challenging stereotypes and racism, exploring politics and spirituality, ever-widening my horizons · giving me a sense of non-judgemental acceptance and affection. even though we critiqued everything, including our own selves. At Melbourne University we joined marches against White Australia Policies, developed friendships, and sometimes deeper relationships, with young men from Malaysia, Indonesia, India and Fiji. Perhaps it is no surprise that we both kept a passionate interest in refugees and immigrants- both the strengths they brought to their new country and the issues they faced. Years later, we reconnected briefly as I started a Masters’ on groupwork with refugee women and I learned of your work at the Brisbane refugee centre and your own poetry. Then one day you arrived in Auckland, just as I was moving to work in Perth for a year. We had a few hours for catching up, and you bought a metal candlestick that one of my sons ( Matthew) had made. Such a tangible thing, and maybe now it can hold a candle for the rich memories I have of you. I have been very moved by Natasha’s blog since you became unwell, and although I have never met Natasha and Louis, I hope I will someday, and that our growing tribe ( here and in Australia) can meet them too. So many of your qualities are being reflected as they care for you so tenderly in this final phase of your life. Michael Leunig has touched me with his quirky wise humour, and somehow I think you would like him too. Amongst his list of things that are good for the soul is “a quiet stroll around the mental block.” That’s what it has felt like as I say goodbye to my first best woman friend. Thank you, love from E

An email from a longtime friend

>> >>> I have so many memories of Helen and Frank, going back to the time when they arrived in Brisbane as a relatively newly wed couple and Frank took up his lecturing position in the Social Work Department and Helen forged her career moving impressively upwards through various areas of the profession. Both exerted a very significant influence on the students they lectured and supervised.
>>> >>> I've jotted some snippets as they come to mind :
>>> >>> Helen was an extremely competent person. I admired her sheer determination and ability when she came to Paris with two small children and her mother, to take delivery of a French citroen that Frank wanted to drive in Brisbane. Driving in Paris was no small feat, especially as the car's steering wheel was on the opposite side of French cars. Helen used to take the car for short drives around the area they were staying, in preparation for driving it all over Europe and the UK. She succeeded with great aplomb.
>>> >>> Another of her characteristics was her thoughtfulness. I had told her of my small daughter's desire to have a cat of her own when we moved back to Brisbane after living overseas for an extended period. A few days after our arrival Helen phoned to say she had a kitten ready to deliver to my daughter for her birthday .
>>> >>> I was always impressed by Helen's keen intellect, her love and knowledge of literature, and her own creativity, both with words and with her hand craft. Natasha, she would so much have approved of your project of making a beautiful and unique coffin for her. What an appropriate final home for such a creative woman .
>>> >>> Helen, Natasha and Loius, you have been an inspiration to many in the way in which you have chosen to live these past two years. You have focussed on Life and have lived it to the full, in spite of enormous challenges. My hope is that these final days may be a time of gentleness and peace for the three of you and for those who love you.
>>> >>> >>> The word I would choose to characterize Helen is thoughtfulness.
>>> >>> With very warm wishes to the three of you >> >> >

Monday 17th October 2011

I am in Natimuk now and have not heard any updates on Helen just lately. Waiting to see how Louis finds her when he returns.

Another beautiful email from a friend of Helen's with some words for her coffin

Dear Natasha and Louis,

 

For a long time now, I have wondered what I would say about your mother as her death draws near.

 

I suppose the first place to begin is with you both. Your devotion to doing whatever you could for Helen, no matter how small, was everything that could be done to make her time comfortable and meaningful. For those of us not in Darwin, the blog has allowed us to share in your pain and anguish, but, until I read the recent e mail from a former colleague, I don’t think that I appreciated the personal cost to you both.  And like the colleague, I am sorry that I was not able to be more supportive of you both.

 

I have been thinking quite a lot about Helen in recent weeks. I tend not to throw out postcards that friends send me because they are happy reminders of them. So, I have been going through a number from Helen, some in English, others in French. All have Helen’s particular gift of making even small interactions personal, and an occasion for sharp, witty observation. All are written with that care for the right word, or the phrase that had just the nuance to describe a person. I recall one occasion when an American women was loudly berating her husband across a large dining room. Helen described her as “foghorning”. Who else would have thought of that?  This attention to words flowed into reports she prepared in children’s disputes. Always fastidious to ensure that people were listened to accurately and described fairly.  I will miss that most about Helen.

 

I wonder if that unformatted poem was written about the mid 90s as the result of certain events in the Family Court?  I can recall that it was her practice, when she had been away from her office at the Court, to go straight there on her return to Brisbane, and catch up on the correspondence and other papers that had arrived in her absence. I remember her ringing me one evening to say that she had just found a letter abolishing her job. No one had bothered to tell her. Not even a phone call. She was just left to find the letter. It was a disgraceful way to treat someone who had given so much to the Court. Certainly, the mood of the poem reflects my recollection of that time and some of the issues of which we spoke then.

 

So, they are my memories of Helen -  a wonderful observer of the human race and a passionate fairness for describing them. If there was room to put something on the coffin, perhaps it could be those words.

 

Thinking of you all,

 

 

Saturday 15th October 2011

I am about to leave Darwin and won't be back until the 19th November or so. Helen has been quiet over the last few days. She has been eating a little (7 spoons of scrambled egg this morning) and drinking. I have enjoyed holding hands with her, massaging her hands and feet, oiling her skin, kissing her forehead and doing miscellaneous grooming activities but there has not really been any conversation to speak of. I have passed on greetings and love from Louis and Sally, from Max and Barbara and read Dorothy's letter to her. I have put Shirley's picture in for framing. Louis plans to return early next week and will be in Darwin until closer to the time of my birthday (26th) when he will come down South also. The coffin is pretty much finished. If Helen does die soon) before I can easily come back) we plan to defer the funeral so it is likely to be later in November. Having said that I am hesitant to predict anything with her as I (and others) have been wrong so many times. The way she is right now could easily go on for a few weeks and she does seem comfortable in her body and her mind and generally at peace. Her skin is still improving as the bruises from the clexane and dex resolve and although sometimes she looks a bit dry she is still drinking. Today I gave her a hot chocolate milk which she drank all of and yesterday a whole cup of juice.

A poem of Helen's I found whilst shuffling paper for the coffin project

I don't remember this one - perhaps it hasn't been published, perhaps she didn't feel it was finished, or maybe I've just forgotten it. Kaye may be able to tell me when it's from - sounds like it might be a while ago though. I like it. I reckon a lot of us can relate to this feeling at some time or other. Warning - it's a bit sad! But emblematic of resilient nonetheless as she stayed on the road for a good twenty years or so after the time this refers to! So sudden this mental turnaround of mine I who've earned my bread from dealing with hard cases, am suddenly drained dry. Should I report in sick? Should I soldier on? Should I take leave? Who'd have thought I was some binary system my responses like a computer ON?OFF? It takes me by surprise. It makes me frightened, useless, a dried shell. Where should I go? Like old bike-tyres the tread is worn off me. I didn't do wheelies nor burning skids, but on the long rides of the last two years and the thirty plus before I didn't know the rubber had worn so thin. Are there retreads available? Bald tyres get put off the road. Unsafe. BTW apologies for the lack of formatting with this poem - that is not how she intended it to be laid out but seems to be how it's coming today...

Friday 14th October 2011

I've enjoyed coming back up to see Mum. Having said which I don't think she has really got that much out of me being here in a conscious sense. We have held hands and I have massaged her skin, hands, feet and brushed her hair. I've talked to her about various things but no idea if she is getting any of it. She has been peaceful when I have been with her and does not seem in any pain or discomfort. Her skin is healing since she stopped dexamethasone and clexane so all the bruises are starting to resolve. I'm here until Sat midday and I think Louis plans to return on Monday. The hospice staff are lovely and as she seems to be off in her own world I don't feel so bad about her having some days alone .

I have made a new linked blog at posterous: Helen's Coffin and Funeral Plans "A blog where those who love Helen can follow the evolution of my coffin decoupage project - I am layering a basic mdf coffin with strips of paper covered in helen's beautiful handwriting as well as the odd piece of fabric she printed or dyed in the past. I hope this will be a place people who are far away can contribute some words they would like to share about Helen and her life and also the words they would like me to write on the coffin on their behalf before cremation" The web address for this is http://helenfuneral.posterous.com/ and the main reason for doing it is that is easy for others to post to via email which the main Helen blog is not. New posts on the Funeral blog should autopost onto the old one so you don't really need to follow both (I think!) and if you want to contribute some words you should be able to just send an email to helenfuneral@posterous.com. We'll see how it works :)

An excerpt from a lovely email from an old friend and student of Helen's

I have wonderful memories of Frank and Helen from my student days. Frank was such a bon vivant with an amazing personal history who challenged us to think outside the square. We had never met anyone so exotic in our lives. Dear Helen was such wonderful teacher with a developed sense of propriety (I know my behaviour gave her palpitations at times during my 4 month placement with her at Child Health and again when we worked together at the Family Court). She had a wonderfully quirky way of looking at the world at times which I enjoyed immensely. I remember her coming into the Court one day wearing some sort of mad hat and a red nose. She had driven from home with these on. I sure some of the boring conservatives at the Court were nonplussed but I thought she was fabulous and admired her for daring to be herself. When I think of Helen, it is with great affection. I am really sorry that I have not had the emotional energy to have been more involved and supportive over the last couple of years. My loving thoughts are with you both and with Helen at this special but difficult time. I hope you will be able to tell Helen how fond I am of her and that I am sending her love every day. If it is not too much to ask, could you write on her coffin for me – respected, sensitive teacher. Thank you.

A lovely email from a friend of Frank and Helen's

Dear Natasha and Louis, I keep following the blog. These are hard times for you both, waiting and wondering. When I look back across the decades to the years when Frank, Helen and I were together almost every day, and remembering so vividly what they were like then, I know they would have been incredibly moved by the quality of love and care you've been giving your mother. I can see and hear him with his immense passion and intellect, and her with her gentle wisdom and humour, discussing it over the table with incredulity, pride and great concern for you. Though having very different backgrounds and personalities, each in their own way would have given you the same core message - Know if possible that we love you, even at moments when barriers divide us. Be proud of and true to who you are. Be real. Do what you can. Try to be safe. Engage with the world but celebrate the little things in every way you know. But remarkable parents often have remarkable children. Hang in there, the two of you. The Natasha/Louis cheer squad is with you. Warm wishes, MC PS If it's OK for her, please give her a hug from me.

Monday 10th October

I've been away from Darwin since Friday - initially in Hobart and now in Melbourne. Louis and Emma spent the weekend visiting Helen and this morning have both headed back to Brisbane for a while. Over the weekend Louis says she had some really great moments with them. He brought her fresh squeezed orange juice one morning and a home made beef soup another time and she really enjoyed both. Whilst she was sleeping he and Emma were befriended by another patient from a few rooms up who sounds like a wonderful person. They all read Helen's poems together and later the other patient came in to see Helen and share with her how much the poetry had moved her. Louis found this very special. He is planning to reprint "Refugees: Living on the Margins" as there are not so many copies left of that volume and it is his favourite. In the interim Louis and I have received a number of very touching emails and messages from friends and family around the world. Thank you to all those who are thinking of us. I have the urge to share one of them with you all as it is from a friend who know both my parents well when they were young and reflects beautifully on that time but I guess I should ask his permission first :). One friend from another country asked me to explain the coffin decoupage in more detail as it was hard for her to understand long distance and in her second language. "Decoupage (or découpage) is the art of decorating an object by gluing colored paper cutouts onto it in combination with special paint effects, gold leaf and so on. Commonly an object like a small box or an item of furniture is covered by cutouts from magazines or from purpose-manufactured papers. Each layer is sealed with varnishes (often multiple coats) until the "stuck on" appearance disappears and the result looks like painting or inlay work. The traditional technique used 30-40 layers of varnish which were then sanded to a polished finish. This was known in 18th century England as The Art of Japanning after its presumed origins." So...in my case...supported and inspired by David and Louis I have bought a very basic coffin made from mdf. I have begun tearing and gluing pieces of paper on it - each has Helen's writing on it and they vary from the banal (shopping lists etc), the outre (mad writing from her manic phase), the profound (snippets of poetry and philosophical musings) to the confidential (letters to and from supervisees and clients - all thoroughly deidentified and damaged I hasten to assure you). For some colour and contrast I have added pieces of fabric Helen dyed or screen-printed in her time making art with Lil Smith and Helen Peake in Darwin. It's not finished yet but has progressed a long way from my initial shots and looks fantastic already. My vision for our Darwin funeral ceremony includes inviting Helen's friends to come forward and write a brightly coloured word on her coffin that means something to them about Helen and their relationship with her. We plan on cremation so it will be evanescent but then that is the point... Louis is going to come back to Darwin at some point and plans to stay there until my birthday. I will fly back to Darwin early this Wed morning and stay there until Saturday when I will return to Melbourne and head on to Natimuk. I won't go back up to Darwin until after my birthday, the Nati Frinj and my trip to Galapagos Island (my 40th birthday present to myself for the week after Frinj!) and probably the AGPN Forum conference which is on in Melbourne mid November..

Afternoon on the 5th October 2011

Louis and Emma spent the morning with Helen - pretty sleepy by the sound of things. I've been here for a few hours this afternoon. She has recognized me twice and at one point said " can you help me with this dear?" but sadly I couldn't figure out what she wanted. We have held hands and I've had a few little weeps.

Coffin beautification- the beginnings of the decoupage project

Tuesday 4th October

Yesterday Louis and I had a meeting with Dr M and Dr N about what next in terms of treatment options, palliative care and accommodation options for Helen. It was good to be able to talk with Dr M as she has been involved since Mum first got sick. She's visited us at home, she was part of the attempts to arrest Helen's vision loss, she's got to know all 3 of us and the carers and has advocated for us at various times. We all agreed that it is time to cease active treatment for Mum/Helen and move into the truly "palliative", "keep her comfortable" phase of her dying. She has never regained much wellness since the infection/s that prevented her going to Brisbane and it seems very unlikely that she will or could even with maximal medical intervention. As such there really seems no point going on with the preventative antibiotics and blood-thinners and even the more routine regular medicines are probably no longer worth using. It is a big decision. We both feel sad. It does, however, feel like the right time. Louis has changed his plans to stay up here and his friend Emma has quit h job in Brisbane and come up today as well so he has some support and company and she is able to spend some time with Helen too. Both Kaye and Shirley have talked with Louis about Helen and ceasing treatment and it sounds as if they too think it is the right thing to do now. I have still not decided what to do. In the short term I am supposed to fly to Hobart tomorrow for a conference. Then I was to have returned to Melbourne on Monday and headed out to Natimuk to begin pre-Frinj, pre-party and post-breakup logistics (have taken all my annual leave in a lump). I could cancel conference and stay a little longer, then go South as planned. I could go to the conference but then come back up here for some/all of next week. Either way I really want to be in Natimuk by the 15th October and I won't be free to return to the NT until the 15th November. Dr M was good at talking through with me - how will/would I feel if I'm not here when Helen dies and in particular if I don't get to see her or be with her body before the funeral? I think it will be ok. But I still want to see her and be with her before she dies. And I really really don't want her to be lonely or to feel abandoned or unloved. I am really glad Louis and Emma are here for her. I have no idea how quickly she will deteriorate without treatment - although I know that she will. An interesting morbid reality in the NT is that it is fairly commonplace to have delayed funerals as in the Wet Season they can't dig holes out in Arnhem Land as the water table is too high. Strangely I found this fact very comforting as it means we have time to plan an unhurried ritual when we are ready.

Sunday 2nd October

Just a brief long distance update. I am still away from Darwin and Louis is Helen's main person. I will return briefly this week but then go away again and be away until ~19th Nov. Louis also has to come and go a bit throughout that time. Although we have good friends in Darwin who are visiting Helen we would love it if she had a daily person who was really there for her. Any family or old friends interested in an" all expenses paid" trip to the NT plus a stipend for some part of the next 6 weeks or so would be very welcome....please think about it... Louis is the best to talk to in a way as he has the most current connection with what it's like being with Mum but also he mostly manages her finances. It still remains very unclear to us both how long we need to be planning for and sometimes I think she will die quite soon...but as we and her medical carers have been wrong lots up until now we just have to go ahead as we are.