The bad news is that she is mentally not very well at all. Depressed, anxious, worried, hyper-vigilant, obsessional, avoidant, fearful. From my point of view it is as bad as when she was manic - in fact worse because this is so much more distressing to her than the mania was - and I guess as she's not in hospital she is needing and wanting a lot of support and input from me (for some reason more me than Louis at the moment) and I'm finding it overwhelming at times.
Friends have come to see her and take her on outings in the last few days which has been great - even though the idea (and perhaps actuality) makes her anxious and she doesn't think she can enjoy anything - it is still a good distraction from her worried cycle of thought.
Her psychiatrist has slightly reluctantly agreed to start an antidepressant (cipramil). He is worried about the worsening of the hyponatraemia (most antidepressants can make your salt levels go low) but also very concerned about her mental state and feels this in the best option. I really hope it works.
Several people have tried to express to me how "reasonable" it is to be depressed when living with cancer and awful medical treatments and facing premature death. I really don't agree- true depression like she has now is abnormal and horrible and neither reasonable nor rational. I hope so much it can lift and allow her to experience what is left of her life - including grief and sadness -no longer obscured by this dreadful state.
I think tomorrow she will spend some time with her niece Kathy and also a friend of Louis' who is a yoga teacher and art therapist. I hope she will be able to enjoy some of each.
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