Tuesday 4th October

Yesterday Louis and I had a meeting with Dr M and Dr N about what next in terms of treatment options, palliative care and accommodation options for Helen. It was good to be able to talk with Dr M as she has been involved since Mum first got sick. She's visited us at home, she was part of the attempts to arrest Helen's vision loss, she's got to know all 3 of us and the carers and has advocated for us at various times. We all agreed that it is time to cease active treatment for Mum/Helen and move into the truly "palliative", "keep her comfortable" phase of her dying. She has never regained much wellness since the infection/s that prevented her going to Brisbane and it seems very unlikely that she will or could even with maximal medical intervention. As such there really seems no point going on with the preventative antibiotics and blood-thinners and even the more routine regular medicines are probably no longer worth using. It is a big decision. We both feel sad. It does, however, feel like the right time. Louis has changed his plans to stay up here and his friend Emma has quit h job in Brisbane and come up today as well so he has some support and company and she is able to spend some time with Helen too. Both Kaye and Shirley have talked with Louis about Helen and ceasing treatment and it sounds as if they too think it is the right thing to do now. I have still not decided what to do. In the short term I am supposed to fly to Hobart tomorrow for a conference. Then I was to have returned to Melbourne on Monday and headed out to Natimuk to begin pre-Frinj, pre-party and post-breakup logistics (have taken all my annual leave in a lump). I could cancel conference and stay a little longer, then go South as planned. I could go to the conference but then come back up here for some/all of next week. Either way I really want to be in Natimuk by the 15th October and I won't be free to return to the NT until the 15th November. Dr M was good at talking through with me - how will/would I feel if I'm not here when Helen dies and in particular if I don't get to see her or be with her body before the funeral? I think it will be ok. But I still want to see her and be with her before she dies. And I really really don't want her to be lonely or to feel abandoned or unloved. I am really glad Louis and Emma are here for her. I have no idea how quickly she will deteriorate without treatment - although I know that she will. An interesting morbid reality in the NT is that it is fairly commonplace to have delayed funerals as in the Wet Season they can't dig holes out in Arnhem Land as the water table is too high. Strangely I found this fact very comforting as it means we have time to plan an unhurried ritual when we are ready.